Tag Archives: sex

Forrest Gump

Was reading about a quote from Forrest Gump, when good ol’ Tom Hanks delivers the lines “You know it’s funny what a young man recollects? ‘Cause I don’t remember bein’ born. I don’t recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don’t know when I went on my first outdoor picnic. But I do remember the first time I made sweet sweet love…”

 

 

this just made me smile today

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Feeling Blue

Stiix Photography

Having one of those downer days. I dunno wholely whats up with my head today.I think I’m just having a hormonal emotional bleh day. Which sucks but well it happens.But me and Stiix did a set of photos the other night, and when he posted these today I just thought this one really captured my headspace today.

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Photos from last night

Stiix Photographer/Rigger
Stiix Photographer/Rigger

Stiix Photographer/Rigger

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Last night’s rigging

I hit one of the most intense subspaces I’ve had yet last night. Me and Stiix were breaking in our new 4mm rope and wow… so much pain just dropped me, one minute I was good, next minute he picked up my second leg and I just dropped. The entire world around me vanished into a blur, it was like my whole body slammed through a brick wall into a beautiful paradise. it’s been a while since I was absolutely demolished by my subspace. Last night was amazing and brutal in the best ways. We ended our scene with me in racking sobs, I was completely vulnerable and broken. I felt so small, so tiny, so vulnerable. I was in pain, and just lost. When I hit deep subspace it’s like I just dropped into a huge hole. Everything around me fades in and out. I can see, then next minute I can’t. It’s frightening and fascinating. Every time I hit  deep deep subspace its different. I am always interested in how it will feel each time. It took me almost an hour to completely settle out and feel normal. I went to sleep all needy and cuddly. I was just in a deep subspace mindset. Even this morning I am having lingering feelings. I am curious to see if I drop over the next few days. Anyway 🙂 thats my friday morning share

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Some of the why

I know everyone’s reason for doing things is different. I get asked often why I am into BDSM. I guess the answer is simple. Because it feels right. It feels like I fit where I am supposed to.

For a little over 3 years I have been actively pursuing a kinky lifestyle. I am as close to 24/7 as I can get without blending kink and parenting. Since being a parent takes up a bulk of my time I can’t truly say 24/7 but that’s how I feel.

I recently made the decision to mesh my normal mainstream modeling with my more fetish modeling and my bondage work. It’s one of the best decisions I ever made. I like being upfront about who I am. It felt wrong to try to hide a huge part of who I am.

The other perk is that inEdmonton, there is such a small “alternative” model group that my work sticks out a bit more because it’s a little more edgy and it’s very in your face. I take pride in that. Originality is a huge thing in modeling because there is so much competition.

I really enjoy Bondage as an art form and as a social hobby. I am incredibly in love with the whole experience. Being in bondage is an experience like nothing else. While in bondage I am able to catapult myself into a whole different world. I can let go of stress and worries and just melt away into the most beautiful oblivion that is intense pain and agony. I lust after pain. I crave pain because it makes me feel really alive. Pain is a grounding experience. When I am in bondage and or enduring any sort of pain I feel very connected to myself. It’s not a feeling I get in day to day life. This is something that requires a different kind of concentration and need.

Bondage is a hard art not made for anyone. It hurts like a bitch and most ties especially suspension work is very hard to breath in. The whole art is extremely taxing and is really about pushing limits and boundaries.

Being in a vulnerable restricted state is also something I adore. I never would have thought I’d be into this whole world 5 years ago, but it makes sense. I really found my niche.

There are so many aspects of bondage that really make it a connecting experience.

Having an amazing partner and lover doing the activity with me also makes it more amazing. Stiix is my lover of 2 years. We are partners and lovers. We make art and love. Being able to let him take my worries away in a scene is powerful. It’s moving to feel so connected to someone else. I feel his hands on my body and I melt. It’s just beyond words the kind of connection you can get during a scene. I have reached my deepest subspaces from rigging scenes. He has a wonderful power of just sinking me down into blissful subspace.

I don’t think at this point that I could do without bondage in my life. It’s just this thing I need. It’s so hard to explain. Maybe some of you understand. Maybe some of you never will.

I never ask anyone to understand, but I do ask for respect. This is a very personal intimate thing I want to share with you all.

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Understanding Quote

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Kahlil Gibran quotes (Lebanese born American philosophical Essayist, Novelist and Poet. 18831931)

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Subspace- my personal journey

I replied to a group post here when asked to describe personal subspace (this is just a short explanation)

“Subspace for me is ultimate peace. it’s a beautiful place where I bask in ultimate submission. I lose all restraints and worries and just fall into complete trust with my top. Subspace is one of the best highs. I vary in how far or how shallow I hit subspace depending on different activities. Hard whipping and flogging sessions- they floor me pretty good, shocking my body and just destroying me. it’s beautiful, usually very deep subspaces. Rope: Suspensions if they are intense will throw me into shock and subspace. Rope when I reach a level of unbearable pain I tend to how I would describe it- crawl inside myself. I invert myself. I take all my emotions and just wrap them around me and drift away. I’ve had a few suspensions where i’ve fallen so far into subspace I’ve lost all feeling of my entire body. I’ve been in full rope suspension and unable to even feel the ropes on me. During the tie this was amazing, it scared me at first because I didn’t expect that but it was also bad when we pulled me out. It was like I had hit a brick wall the intensity of all the emotion of physical sensation coming back. The pain rushed back into my body and I felt destroyed. I hit shock very very badly after that tie. Subspace can be amazing during the moment and sometimes has bad after effects but thats more sub drop than subspace. Subspace is best when you are in a calm state of mind or at least I find. It can be during incredibly pain but it’s still this strange calm. Acceptance if you will. subspace comes frequently for me in ropes mostly I find because I feel so at home in rope. I feel like it’s where I should be. my body recognizes that now and I just key into my own little headspace when rope is being done and I just “click”. It’s amazing. One of the most amazing things is just taking a deep breath and embracing subspace. Embracing that complete trust and vulnerability. I think it’s one of the most intense connections and most amazing gifts a top and a bottom can share.”

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