Tag Archives: health

Blood Choke In Bondage

So I thought I’d write a small bit about last night’s session Stiix and I did at [a local dungeon that would like to remain anonymous].
We’ve been away from the public local scene here for a few months just due to things being busy in our life and such. But we’ve been practicing alot in our free time.
Our most recent rope venture has been to learn mid-air transitions. So far this has been working out very well for us and we are both very proud of our progress. It’s been an adventure into a whole new side of rope.

Last night we thought we would come out to [a local dungeon that would like to remain anonymous] and see some friends and do a little scene of transitions.

One of the aspects we included in our scene was something we’ve never tried before. We had Stiix blood choke me unconscious near the end of our scene while I was still fully suspended.
I wanted to write a little about that.

First of all let me say this, me and Stiix practice using blood chokes alot. We use them in sex and other play very often.
Stiix is formally trained in how to safely blood choke me.
Blood chokes are not something to take lightly.
Stiix and I play very RISK AWARE as well which is something to take into consideration when reading this or watching some of our performances.

From a top’s perspective, you need to know how to take care of your bottom when you do it to them, you need to know their reaction and you need to understand what they are going through.
From a bottom’s perspective, well it’s scary. I very much enjoy blood chokes. It’s a great fun element to add to sex. However, blood chokes while suspended is very very different.

It scared me shitless. I wanted to do it, have for a while actually, so I am very glad we did.
I guess it was so scary because I was already in a vulnerable headspace, and in a very vulnerable weak position being bound and helpless. I personally fall pretty hard into subspace from rope play, and last night was no exception. I was very far gone by the time Stiix yanked my head back and plunged me into darkness.
Even knowing it was coming, didn’t lessen the impact it had on me. When I came to, all I remember is hearing loud music, muffled voices and my own heavy breathing. I guess I should also say, we had me blind folded for this scene. So I came back to utter blackness, disorientation and full on confusion. I remember feeling harsh ropes on my arms and legs and mentally freaking out. I couldn’t remember that I was in rope, suspended, at [a local dungeon that would like to remain anonymous]. It took a full 10 seconds of struggling and wiggling and trying to get out to figure it out. It also took Stiix grabbing my head and giving me a hard passionate centering kiss. And then another.
After the kiss I took a few deep breathes and took stock of where I knew I was again.
Stiix knowing how I love to fall hard in a scene, so to speak, began transitioning me very quickly after the kiss. Soonly moments after I had figured out what happened was I moving around again, being bombarded by intense pain as he dropped me into our last transition.
I can tell you I remember little of the last few moments of our scene. While I was conscious of where I was…. I dropped very hard, and very hard inside myself.
I remember coming down hard into the floor at the end of our scene and just feeling stunned. I felt lost and a little like someone had just mentally raped me.
It was a beautiful, scary, very intimate feeling.
As Stiix unbound me he was rough and fast and this only added to my hard headspace. I wouldn’t have asked him to do it any different.
I needed that little extra push into my own abyss.

I revel in being lost in subspace.

I found when he had finished untying me and we were lying there cuddling on the dungeon floor that I didn’t feel broken, I felt complete.
I felt very happy in my lost, confused state.

Ever since I started exploring hard play that has let me experience subspace, I have always loved pushing and pushing my own state of mind to see how far I can travel into my own head.
I love seeing how dark and scary and big and black my own headspace is. I find it fascinating how comforting and frightening subspace can be at the same time.
I am not quite sure if I am babbling this out, and I am not entirely sure it makes sense but this is the day-after account.

A few things I want to emphasize from this experience is this:
1. I came out of this situation lucky. I had a GOOD hard push into subspace and I reacted well to it. I have experience hard subspace before. I have experienced full blown panic attacks when I am at my worst. I have delved into my own space and I know I am some-what familiar with my own head.
I also trust Stiix with my life. I know he’d never risk my safety. I know I can let him do alot more to me that I would ever let anyone do because he’s very very safe, competent and doesn’t fuck around where it counts.
I was able to do this and come out positive. I can say my headspace was VERY VERY much harder to shake. I sat quiet for a while before I was ready to do anything. I crawled pretty deep inside myself.
If you are new to rope and suspending or even to any play, this is ABSOLUTELY NOT something I recommend.
This is an activity for those who are very well versed in dealing with hard subspace reactions.
I can easily see this going wrong. I would say this should be evaluated on a scene by scene basis. There are alot of factors that go into how you react to things.
Me and Stiix regularly push our boundaries. We are very familiar with putting me into hard situations. I know that if I react badly that he’ll be there right away helping me recover, I also know he can read me when I react well and he always reacts accordingly. He knew I reacted well and needed him to remain hard and fast so I could feel like I completed the scene well and the best I could.

2. Stiix is very well trained in how to do blood chokes. We are not amateurs. We use blood chokes often. This is not something we just decided to try on a whim. It had been something we’ve been talking about for quite a while prior.
I would encourage anyone who reads this to take that point very seriously.
There are many ways to damage someone if you don’t know what you’re doing. Blood chokes should never be learned in this matter: while suspended, etc.
It should be learned where you have complete control over a very stable situation. You should always practice it until you are absolutely confident you understand your bottoms reactions mentally and physically. Adding a rope suspension into the equation is very very dangerous. We know what we are doing and are absolutely confident in doing it to me. That being said we’ve been playing with suspension art for over a year, pushing and testing my limits and what we can do.
We are very well prepared for my reactions. I know my mental reactions, and Stiix watches my physical reactions.

Altogether, the experience was beautiful. I wish to explore it more in the future and we plan on incorporating more things like it.
I just wanted to share that bit quick with you all.

Leave a comment

Filed under BDSM, Education, Just me, Modeling/Photography, Safety and Health

Tongue Split

Recently getting to spend some time observing Russ Foxx in action- doing bodymods/suspensions etc.

This is a photo my  boyfriend took the other day of two different tongue splits. I thought I would share them because I think they look amazing!









Leave a comment

Filed under BDSM, Just me, Modeling/Photography

Defeated- Quote

“Never stop just because you feel defeated. The journey to the other side is attainable only after great suffering.”
Santosh Kalwar,


Filed under Just me, Quotes

Feeling Blue

Stiix Photography

Having one of those downer days. I dunno wholely whats up with my head today.I think I’m just having a hormonal emotional bleh day. Which sucks but well it happens.But me and Stiix did a set of photos the other night, and when he posted these today I just thought this one really captured my headspace today.

1 Comment

Filed under BDSM, Just me, Modeling/Photography

pardon me

Do you ever feel like the smallest person in the world? Like everyone and everything is better than you? I get that way… more than most people think I guess. I am honestly one of the most insecure people I know… which is laughable. But so true.

I am constantly comparing myself to others and I usually find myself lacking. I struggle with trying to become better to please everyone around me. It’s exhausting and tough and I struggle a lot. Some days I’m pretty sure the world is one up on. I feel like I’m standing under a mountain and its crashing down on me.

I feel like I’ll never be good enough and that I am just not enough. I feel like my morals and my beliefs are holding me back because while they define me they also happen to constrict me at times. I feel restricted like I’m that old lady no one cares about. I feel like I’m outdated and boring. I don’t really feel like I’m original or like I’m really all that amazing at all.

It’s hard to sit and see all those others people doing everything you can’t/won’t. It’s discouraging especially when people around you really admire them or fantasize about them and you feel like you’re usually forgotten because you fall between the cracks. You’re not flashy enough or you’re not eye catching.

“I kill myself from the inside out” – interesting how that makes sense. “I strive for things that I don’t need… what I chase won’t set me free.”  – goo goo dolls got it right.

“Everything is all wrong here…” that’s how I feel.

“Who the hell did I think I was…”

I feel so lost today, I don’t really know if this was a long time coming or not… but god do I ever feel boring, plain and inadequate. Hmmmm

Should I share this with the world? Will people laugh? Will people wonder?

I struggle with a lot and its hard to appear like nothing bothers me. I am so fucking sensitive and it makes me grimace to think about it.

I hate being this way, I just wanna be able to let things bounce off. I want to not be so jealous and insecure. I want to be more tough and more brave.

I feel like the worlds trials are just getting to me. I can’t wait this. It sucks.

I want to be better, to be prettier to be more exciting. I want to do all those things that you all seem to love so much but I fear if I change myself I’ll lose myself for good. I feel like I’ll get lost in the black hole that is expectation.

Talk about having a “I feel so fucking lost” moment. >_<

I really need to get my head figured out. This is pathetic. I feel fucking pathetic. Okay I’m going to hide now.  Ignore my word vomit from my troubled soul. I’m just having an off day, I’m sure I’ll bounce back tomorrow.

1 Comment

Filed under Angry Personal Rants, Just me

A way to use pain- Quote

“Most people carry that pain around inside them their whole lives, until they kill the pain by other means, or until it kills them. But you, my friends, you found another way: a way to use the pain. To burn it as fuel, for light and warmth. You have learned to break the world that has tried to break you. ”  ―    Lev Grossman


This is perfect for us masochists of the world. I feel this really suits me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Quotes

Wings- Quote

“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I’ve learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can’t be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.”  ―    C. JoyBell C.

Leave a comment

Filed under Quotes