Category Archives: Angry Personal Rants

Woo, I’m back with a rant ;P

*caution mini rant alert* >> I just wanna say that I think I feel very sorry for people who are ignorant to stereotyping and how much there is in North America’s culture. Sitting in my sex and gender class in Anthropology watching people’s absolutely shell shocked expressions when my professor talks about the slave trade that is active in alberta, or the fact that there are over 5 types of “sexes” and that there is so much racism in just alberta alone it hurts… it’s amusing being openly unafraid to declare myself an educated and aware freak and understand all these things and not really being taken back at all. I feel really sorry that we have so many blissfully ignorant people that are are completely unaware of the twisted, disgusting excuse for a culture we have. I find it alarming how uneducated my own generation is to the way the world is spirally into a hell whole and no one is really doing anything about it.

(I copied the rest of this from my facebook status :))

  • Samudaya Nirodha You’ll have to excuse me but my brain always cramps in the worst and best ways after classes. It’s horrifying how unaware people are. We live in a fucked up culture that is so bias and gender stereotypical its not even funny. And it’s not just gender stereotypes, we stereotype based on race, age, and orientation and a large portion of the population purposely exclude people who are different and judge harshly those who allow themselves to identify as different and who are comfortable enough with themselves to be who they want to be and dress how they want and date or fuck whoever they want.
  • Samudaya Nirodha I am ashamed of my own culture, I want to thank all my alternative “freak” friends who help out by being whot he fuck they want to be, ignoring words like “freak., weirdo, fuckedup backwards savages etc” I love the empowerment the alternative and fetish scenes have been experiencing, even if it’s still small it will grow.
  • Samudaya Nirodha I’ve been called every name under the sun and will for along ass time. I am aware a small portion of the population is ready to understand that the upcoming gnerations are all fucking freaks and we are not gonna accept harsh stereotypes that restrict us from doing what we want, expressing ourselves how we want, and pursuing friendships and sexual relationships with who we want regardless of orientation, gender and or race!

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Need today

Two weeks to beautiful bliss.

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Small world

This city is just too damn small.

>_<

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pardon me

Do you ever feel like the smallest person in the world? Like everyone and everything is better than you? I get that way… more than most people think I guess. I am honestly one of the most insecure people I know… which is laughable. But so true.

I am constantly comparing myself to others and I usually find myself lacking. I struggle with trying to become better to please everyone around me. It’s exhausting and tough and I struggle a lot. Some days I’m pretty sure the world is one up on. I feel like I’m standing under a mountain and its crashing down on me.

I feel like I’ll never be good enough and that I am just not enough. I feel like my morals and my beliefs are holding me back because while they define me they also happen to constrict me at times. I feel restricted like I’m that old lady no one cares about. I feel like I’m outdated and boring. I don’t really feel like I’m original or like I’m really all that amazing at all.

It’s hard to sit and see all those others people doing everything you can’t/won’t. It’s discouraging especially when people around you really admire them or fantasize about them and you feel like you’re usually forgotten because you fall between the cracks. You’re not flashy enough or you’re not eye catching.

“I kill myself from the inside out” – interesting how that makes sense. “I strive for things that I don’t need… what I chase won’t set me free.”  – goo goo dolls got it right.

“Everything is all wrong here…” that’s how I feel.

“Who the hell did I think I was…”

I feel so lost today, I don’t really know if this was a long time coming or not… but god do I ever feel boring, plain and inadequate. Hmmmm

Should I share this with the world? Will people laugh? Will people wonder?

I struggle with a lot and its hard to appear like nothing bothers me. I am so fucking sensitive and it makes me grimace to think about it.

I hate being this way, I just wanna be able to let things bounce off. I want to not be so jealous and insecure. I want to be more tough and more brave.

I feel like the worlds trials are just getting to me. I can’t wait this. It sucks.

I want to be better, to be prettier to be more exciting. I want to do all those things that you all seem to love so much but I fear if I change myself I’ll lose myself for good. I feel like I’ll get lost in the black hole that is expectation.

Talk about having a “I feel so fucking lost” moment. >_<

I really need to get my head figured out. This is pathetic. I feel fucking pathetic. Okay I’m going to hide now.  Ignore my word vomit from my troubled soul. I’m just having an off day, I’m sure I’ll bounce back tomorrow.

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Why don’t I do legs spread nude shots?

 

Pretty simple answer, whats the fun in giving everything away. I’m not interested in portraying myself that way… EVER! Maybe in the privacy of my bedroom for my boyfriend hey that’s another story but in my professional modeling you will not find a legs spread shot- with the exception of a few positions we’ve roped me into and those I absolutely believe are not at all in the same category.

You see a lot of girls lying on beds legs spread in that overdone- overused bad maxim pose. I am sick of it really. It lacks creativity and innovation.

I have been art nude modeling for about 3 years. Since day 1 I made a choice. I wasn’t going to just throw my pussy out there for the whole world to gawk at. I think I’m better and more creative than that.

I modeling nude for the tease of the game. I want to entice through the tease not through the just here it is factor. That’s like I said before, boring.

I’m sorry if I sound spiteful but I’m just not interested if you can’t make me interested. There are a few billions vaginas out there, if you just put it out there with no creative whatever, I am not going to be interested. I can look past my basic animal instincts and seek out art. Lying on a bed just spread eagle is just not art to me anymore. I don’t care how amazing your lights are and how gorgeous your model is. It’s BORING!

I want you to sell me you! I want to know why… I want you to tell me a story using your body. I want to see personality and sparkle. FUCK this boring I don’t need to try cuz I’m hot bullshit.

You can do suck on something. I’m bored with you. Move on.

I spend a good 6-7 hours a day looking at art. I am allowed to be picky. I have raised my standards because the world seems to have dropped theres.

I want to see more inventive minds going to work to create beautiful nude art.

As for myself, If I can I want to draw people in with my nude art. I want people to see my story and who I am. I want people to be able to sense emotion and see me for who I am.

I work damn hard to create nude work that I am very proud of. I don’t want to just be another sheep that gets looked over and I sure don’t want to bore anyone. I’d be down right insulted if someone said I was bland. I know I’m not so I mean you know you have to evaluate people’s comments but point being I want to be known as creative. I think I’ve succeeded so far and I plan to keep doing so.

I guess the whole point of this rant is to say that I think it’s sad how many “hot girls” just lie on beds spread eagle and demand that the world love them. Whether they be porn stars, strippers or the girl next door I don’t care, you need to sell me. 99% of most photos that I see on that line or in that genre bore me. I am not interested in that shit anymore. I think the art community deserves a higher standard.

K end rant.

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Migraine blues

So this is day 5 of the same on and off migraine. >_< At least it’s only like a 5/6 level meaning it’s sitting in all the wrong places in my neck and back but I can still see and function… just at a slightly slower level.

Boo on you.

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Hate petty idiots

I really really hate petty idiots who pick battles about the most miniscule things. And they don’t just argue they blow the little things out of proportion. They also take delight in making you sweat and messing with you. What the hell do these people get out doing this!?!

It’s obviously not how I’m hardwired, I just don’t understand. I work my ass off to provide for my family. Some people will never be satisfied and what I do is never going to be enough. I am frustrated beyond belief.

I am a damn good parent and no one has a right to critisize that. No one has any right to judge how my time is spent. And just because I have different priorities for my time than others means nothing.

Before you bloody judge me, walk a mile in my shoes! There is so much power in that statement.

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